The issue of domestic abuse is complex and multi-dimensional. In an effort to understand more we spoke to the CEO of the Centre for Communication Impact to find out what men can do to change the status quo.
Tumelo Mabena (32) grew up in an abusive home where he saw his mom being beaten by his step-father who subsequently infected her with HIV before he left them high and dry. Mabena says he grew up in a violent society that left him to fend for himself, and that is why he became abusive in his teenage and adult years.
“Growing up, I never had someone who listened to me and asked me how I felt; I had to man-up at a very young age and lost my childhood. I had no choice but to bottle up everything, I didn’t even cry when my mom eventually passed away,” he admits.
Mabena says he got involved in the ‘street-life’ with a violent crowd. Fuelling his frustration, especially when he had a girlfriend, was the fact that he couldn’t afford the things that other guys could, such as the latest Nike shoes and new clothes, which made him very insecure, especially in his relationships.
“As a result I started being abusive in my relationships, even with my first girlfriend. I felt like I wasn’t equal to other guys and I started to lose my self-esteem and my voice, and started using my fists to make a statement,” he says.
He learnt how to treat women by watching other men in the township. He was taught that a woman shouldn’t speak, and that a woman can’t dictate to a man. You have to use your fists if she does.
“I was blinded because those people were my new family, where I felt I belonged, and I failed to see the negative impact they were having on my life,” he says.
Patriarchy sets the tone for how men behave and how women are meant to behave and legalises certain practices which discriminate against women
Bronwyn Pearce, CEO for the Centre of Communication Impact, says they’ve done a lot of research into what triggers violence in men as well as what norms exist that promote and feed men’s violence. It’s a complex issue.
“It’s important to understand on an individual level what triggers violence, but I think we need to go beyond that and look within our communities and societies to see what it is that gives men some justification, for lack of a better word, for violence,” she says.
THE ROLE THAT PATRIARCHY PLAYS: Pearce says that in a patriarchal society, people are placed in a hierarchy and the man becomes the protagonist. This perceived superiority plays a huge role in perpetuating gender-based violence.
“Patriarchy sets the tone for how men behave and how women are meant to behave, and legalises certain practices that discriminate against women. That for me, I suppose, is the overarching influence of how women are seen in communities, as it gives power to the men,” she says.
HOW MEN SHOULD REACT: Pearce says there is no single clear-cut answer to the question of how men should respond.
“Firstly, it’s about who in that community is the custodian of norms and values. There’s a huge role played by the male leaders of a community or society. If you’re living in a society in which the leader doesn’t take a stand, it’s very difficult to break with the norm.
“If an individual wants to make a change but doesn’t see that it’s validated within his society, it’s very difficult for him,” she says.
Pearce offers the example that if your father beat your mother, as in Mabena’s case, there’s a very high chance that you will do the same and a cycle of violence continues. Because you see how your mother continues to respect him, you treat your partner the same way to get that same respect.
“It’s about understanding how you were socialised and where the violence comes from,” she says.
THE ISSUE OF ANGER: Uncontrolled anger also plays a big part. “There are many things that can trigger anger, such as issues of finding a job and being able to take your place in the family as the breadwinner. Many programmes have tried to address the issue of anger, but it can’t be addressed in isolation of the broader community and this makes it a complex issue in as far as what men should do,” she says.
Another issue is that there is very little support for men who are either on the verge of beating their partner or being violent, and even those who have already done so. There are numerous services that deal with alcohol and drug abuse, but when it comes to men and violence, there’s very little community support.
“It’s very difficult to introspect, and one often needs help to do that; it’s a difficult thing to admit to. We get a lot of calls and letters from men who say they are angry and on the verge of beating their partner and want to know what to do to stop it. This indicates that there isn’t much help for people who want to understand anger,” she says.
You need to accept who you are first and acknowledge your truth. Then you need to have outlets where you can speak about your problems
Stepping out of the situation
The first step to prevention is understanding the triggers for your anger, and usually the best thing to do is to step out of the situation.
“I know that this sounds very easy and can be one of the most difficult things to do when you’re heated and are about to be violent, but that alone already puts distance between you and whatever that trigger is.
“When men begin to understand their own behaviour, and recognise that they’re abusive, this is where the process of becoming better starts. And there are many ways for men to get to that point. Maybe someone will say it to them or they see someone else doing the same thing and it suddenly hits them that the behaviour is abusive,” Pearce says.
With the help of community leaders, Mabena was able to break the cycle of violence by understanding the role that his environment had played in his behaviour. He believes that while one may always have violent tendencies, you can learn to control yourself by understanding your issues.
“You need to accept who you are first and acknowledge your truth. Then you need to have outlets where you can speak about your problems and then take steps to help you control your emotions and understand your triggers,” he says.
“Growing up, I never had someone who listened to me and asked me how I felt; I had to man-up at a very young age and lost my childhood. I had no choice but to bottle up everything, I didn’t even cry when my mom eventually passed away,” he admits.
Mabena says he got involved in the ‘street-life’ with a violent crowd. Fuelling his frustration, especially when he had a girlfriend, was the fact that he couldn’t afford the things that other guys could, such as the latest Nike shoes and new clothes, which made him very insecure, especially in his relationships.
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| The complexities of domestic abuse: how should men respond? |
He learnt how to treat women by watching other men in the township. He was taught that a woman shouldn’t speak, and that a woman can’t dictate to a man. You have to use your fists if she does.
“I was blinded because those people were my new family, where I felt I belonged, and I failed to see the negative impact they were having on my life,” he says.
Patriarchy sets the tone for how men behave and how women are meant to behave and legalises certain practices which discriminate against women
Bronwyn Pearce, CEO for the Centre of Communication Impact, says they’ve done a lot of research into what triggers violence in men as well as what norms exist that promote and feed men’s violence. It’s a complex issue.
“It’s important to understand on an individual level what triggers violence, but I think we need to go beyond that and look within our communities and societies to see what it is that gives men some justification, for lack of a better word, for violence,” she says.
THE ROLE THAT PATRIARCHY PLAYS: Pearce says that in a patriarchal society, people are placed in a hierarchy and the man becomes the protagonist. This perceived superiority plays a huge role in perpetuating gender-based violence.
“Patriarchy sets the tone for how men behave and how women are meant to behave, and legalises certain practices that discriminate against women. That for me, I suppose, is the overarching influence of how women are seen in communities, as it gives power to the men,” she says.
HOW MEN SHOULD REACT: Pearce says there is no single clear-cut answer to the question of how men should respond.
“Firstly, it’s about who in that community is the custodian of norms and values. There’s a huge role played by the male leaders of a community or society. If you’re living in a society in which the leader doesn’t take a stand, it’s very difficult to break with the norm.
“If an individual wants to make a change but doesn’t see that it’s validated within his society, it’s very difficult for him,” she says.
Pearce offers the example that if your father beat your mother, as in Mabena’s case, there’s a very high chance that you will do the same and a cycle of violence continues. Because you see how your mother continues to respect him, you treat your partner the same way to get that same respect.
“It’s about understanding how you were socialised and where the violence comes from,” she says.
THE ISSUE OF ANGER: Uncontrolled anger also plays a big part. “There are many things that can trigger anger, such as issues of finding a job and being able to take your place in the family as the breadwinner. Many programmes have tried to address the issue of anger, but it can’t be addressed in isolation of the broader community and this makes it a complex issue in as far as what men should do,” she says.
Another issue is that there is very little support for men who are either on the verge of beating their partner or being violent, and even those who have already done so. There are numerous services that deal with alcohol and drug abuse, but when it comes to men and violence, there’s very little community support.
“It’s very difficult to introspect, and one often needs help to do that; it’s a difficult thing to admit to. We get a lot of calls and letters from men who say they are angry and on the verge of beating their partner and want to know what to do to stop it. This indicates that there isn’t much help for people who want to understand anger,” she says.
You need to accept who you are first and acknowledge your truth. Then you need to have outlets where you can speak about your problems
Stepping out of the situation
The first step to prevention is understanding the triggers for your anger, and usually the best thing to do is to step out of the situation.
“I know that this sounds very easy and can be one of the most difficult things to do when you’re heated and are about to be violent, but that alone already puts distance between you and whatever that trigger is.
“When men begin to understand their own behaviour, and recognise that they’re abusive, this is where the process of becoming better starts. And there are many ways for men to get to that point. Maybe someone will say it to them or they see someone else doing the same thing and it suddenly hits them that the behaviour is abusive,” Pearce says.
With the help of community leaders, Mabena was able to break the cycle of violence by understanding the role that his environment had played in his behaviour. He believes that while one may always have violent tendencies, you can learn to control yourself by understanding your issues.
“You need to accept who you are first and acknowledge your truth. Then you need to have outlets where you can speak about your problems and then take steps to help you control your emotions and understand your triggers,” he says.
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