Baby mama dramas

Being a man is a tough job and can be even more demanding when you have a baby mama to keep happy. We explore the navigation of this relationship minefield

In an ideal world, a man would have a single romantic relationship to maintain. Not only is this situation good for him, but also for children, says Sonke Gender Justice spokesperson Patrick Godana. Given some of the challenges men face in relationships, Godana admits that we live in an imperfect world of erratic results. “There are no perfect beings on earth. So we can only talk about an ideal father,” he says, knowing very well that it’s harsh to judge the men caught up in certain challenges of manhood.

Take, for example, the “baby mama” phenomenon that sees men having children out of wedlock.

Self-employed construction company and taxi owner Kuzwayo* (48) has two kids with different baby mamas and one with his current wife. His previous relationships affect the current one, causing his wife and the child he has with her much consternation. “Sometimes your baby mama doesn’t want to visit you. And your wife doesn’t want you to visit either. No woman loves another one’s kids,” says Kuzwayo.

He strives to give his “other” children the support they need. But the fact that he can’t live with them means his children will grow up with a father who can’t always be there. Godana highlights the negative impact of absent fathers. “When the father moves on to another relationship, the children from previous ones suffer. This is bad for children. They grow up with a compromised identity, come to resent their fathers, among other emotional and psychological drawbacks,” he says.

Baby mama dramas

Fortunate enough to avoid Khuzwayo’s situation of having his kids scattered all over the place, Devon* (29), lives with his three children (two with his wife and one with his baby mama), in one house. “When I got married, I was already living with my child. There used to be tension when I visited my baby mama so she could see her kid,” he says. When parting with his baby mama, Devon took the child with him. “She couldn’t afford to live with the child,” he says. “Every time I talked to my ex, my wife would scrutinise our conversations,” he says.

As for how the kids relate to each other, he has no complaints. “I don’t see any problem. They get along well. Two of them are still young. They don’t even know that the older one has a different mother,” says Devon.

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